America's Struggle
by Pastel Blossom
Summary: America's conflicted feelings towards his former caretaker England. Implied onesided USUK. America's POV.


**America reflects back on his relationship with England.**

**I don't own Hetalia, sorry. :( Don't throw lawsuits at me.**

It's hard to say how long I've felt this way. As I flashback to the time we first met, I was taken by your power and your strength, as you stood so tall above me. But what really drove me to choose you over France (cooking tastes all the same to me) was your moment of vulnerability. You were human, filled with self-doubt, at least for that moment. You became my guardian, and we grew close. I would tease you occasionally and call you Iggy, and you would scowl at first and then start laughing. I admired your wisdom and became your shadow, which satisfied me as a child, but as I grew up, I realized my need to be individual from you, to have a different experience and share my own story rather than always live off the life you had. My conflicted feelings towards you were the cause of that. Yes, I loved you. I've loved you as a brother ever since you revealed your helplessness at losing me. However, romantic feelings crept in, mingling with the brotherly love, and I was left confused and upset at these growing emotions. It felt wrong. The great England, my guardian who acted like an older brother and a father, love me beyond this platonic relationship. Angry with myself, I started detaching myself from you, in hopes of crushing these thoughts. Distance started building between us.

I demanded to be free and independent, wanting more from us. A look of pain flashed across your eyes when you lifted your head before letting it fall again as you sat there and cried. I got my wish, but the consequences destroyed us both. The feelings of regret never left and I can still see your broken expression as I abandoned you in the unforgiving rain, with us both drenched with the unceasing hurt that distance brings. What if I never abandoned you? Lingering thoughts in the back of the mind remind me that I broke away from you because you would never see me as anything but a little brother who needed guidance if I stayed, but in exchange for an equal level and status as you, I've sacrificed our intimacy and the happiness of days past. All that remains of our former bond is now an expanding wall rising between us. England, how I miss those days when nothing heavier was on our minds that what to do for the day. Time may bring healing, but old wounds leave scars reminiscent of a crumbling relationship.

Now you don't even notice. You always look past me. You still fight and argue with France, but your beautiful green eyes just slide past me, those eyes that look like glass. I brush it off, but inside I feel a fresh wave of pain stab me repeatedly every time. I'd almost rather you killed me that fateful rainy day, so my body and heart would be at peace. I try not to pay attention, I brag that I'm a hero but my deceitful eyes slide over to you, wanting, needing to see you, missing your smile. You don't notice. The smile that lit up the sun is no more, and all there is left is an empty, lonely darkness that hurts. All I want is your forgiveness and your love. I know you've gotten over me and my feelings are invisible to you. If only you still remember your America, who was once your beloved younger brother, but of course, nothing less, nothing more.

England, you will always be the unattainable. I've given up trying to get you to love me back because I know France has taken my place in your heart. I, America, don't have your experience, your wisdom, or your age. From now, forget those memories we had together, abandon those bonds we shared, and let us start new. Strangers, without any ties to burden them. Maybe it will be better for both of us that way. Arthur, you will be rid of me, and I can finally move on and let those scars heal and fade, leaving the past behind both of us. But behind closed doors, I break down and weep for what has become of us. You'll never understand the extent of my love, but that unreturned love will follow me like a dark, mocking shadow.

A/N: O_O America sounds kinda OOC here. A bit too mature, perhaps? But anyway, Iggy's green eyes are sooo pretty. Heehee~ 3

Anyways...this was when America was still isolationist, so he believes that his feelings are one-sided. Just to clear things up as someone pointed out. (my beta)

More one-shots on the way! Hetaoni and just Hetalia. Thanks for reading :D


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